Last Dig: Possible Slight in Mother’s Obit

Not sure if it was a death announcement or an obit. A newspaper had an obit link to Legacy.com. It was published at the beginning of last month and she died about 3 months before that. No messages in the guest book.

Here’s the text, minus the identifying information. And for the stepchildren/grandchildren, I’ll indicate the birth order with numbers.

Proxies and Wills

I’m sharing this article from The Guardian to remind myself and others of the importance of planning for one’s death or illness.  It’s important for anyone, but especially those of us who deal with estrangement.

It’s a tough question to ask, but we need to ask, who will make our medical care decisions if we can’t?  Who will inherit our assets when we die?

Support Groups: Caveat RBN at Reddit

The reddit group Raised By Narcissists has had a lot of support within in the community of those of us who have been RBN.  When it was smaller, it was a well moderated and supported group.

It has since become an overwhelmed and badly moderated support group.  If you are in the stage where you are curious and want to lurk to see if what happened to you is “normal”, it’s still  a good group for that.

If you dare question or cross the mods, prepare to be muted.

Forgiveness Police & Narcissism

I’ve always been bothered by the forgiveness police.  Meaning third parties who try to impose their desire for the wronged person to forgive upon the wronged person.  An older post on this, Grudges, Forgiveness & Eviction.  Whether or not to forgive is up to the person who was wronged.  Not the person who did the wrong or other parties.

I finally figured out why.  It’s an extremely narcissistic thing to do.  It’s implying the forgiveness police person’s opinion, thoughts and feelings are more important than those of the person who was actually wronged.

Updating the Design

I hadn’t blogged here since 2012 and the design I was using is a little outdated.  I’ve also learned a lot about visual design since I’ve been pursuing my hobby of photography.  I’m going to be playing around with the templates a bit, so please be patient.  I also hope to share some of my photography as well.

My Mother’s Death: Part 4 Cirque du Flying Monkeys Redux

Before I sum up the past week, a brief recap of relevant info from My Mother’s Death Part I: The Notification :

I was not informed of any funeral arrangements, if in fact there were any.  I wouldn’t have gone anyway, because I feel those events are about the person who died and to support those who mourn that person.  I had no desire to be distracting or disruptive from that.  I respect the purpose of those rituals.

<snip>

Then another week later, he needed information from me in order for him to receive her last social security check.

<snip>

I took the high road and quickly replied with the info he needed.  Not only do I get to walk the high road on that, it’s hopefully the last contact I will have with him.

 

So that was the start of the week, more contact from my stepdad.  Then my mail yields not only the paperwork he sent me, but a “save the date” from my cousin.  We’ll call her Belinda.  She is the daughter of the aunt referred to here:

My mother’s sister sends a condolence text the day of her death.  I reply thank you.  And ask how she’s doing the next day.  Especially given that their other sister died in their 30s and we recently lost an aunt (her relation) and a great aunt (my relation) shortly before Christmas.  She replies about how difficult it is, but her grandson’s wedding will take her mind off her losses.  And then starts going on about her grandchildren’s love lives.
Oh and they had reconciled (my mother would cut people off on a regular basis) and planning to go on vacation together.

Belinda hasn’t contacted me up until now.  I get it’s hard to know what to do in a situation like this.  

My Mother’s Death Part 3: Cue the Cirque du Flying Monkeys

Almost two weeks go by.  I have told a few of my close friends, along with work (they graciously gave me a week of bereavement leave which was very helpful in processing the complicated grief feelings I was having).

It’s painful to have these conversations with people, even if they don’t know about the estrangement.  I didn’t want to rehash it with everyone for weeks and possibly months to come, so I announced it on social media.  Again, it is 2 weeks after, which gave people plenty of time to find out if they had been close to her and needed to know.

My post, with some identifying information is redacted:

I have debated whether or not to say anything about this on social media. I gave it 2 weeks of thought.

No easy way to say this. My mother died of [cause redacted] at [age redacted] earlier this month.

Some mixed emotions due to the estrangement.

I haven’t posted on social media up until now as it would seem insincere given the estrangement. And being bluntly honest would just hurt people on her side of the family I care about. That is the last thing I want to do

I hope she has found peace and comfort and the same to all who are mourning her.

I’m not going to lie about the past and the pain she caused. But I will always admire her sense of humor, her work ethic, her resilience, her imagination and love of reading I am blessed to have those gifts. Some from her, some from my dad and some from both.

I’m doing ok all things considered

Keep up with your cancer and health screenings and as Spock said “live long and prosper”

My Mother’s Death: Part 2 My Reaction

Being exiled from my own family and shunned, I had already done a lot of my mourning and grieving.  But I was still hit with emotions.

Though I’d like to make it clear, I have no regrets on staying no contact until the end.  I don’t know if she was even still conscious by the time I was notified.  I know, based on past experience that she can’t be trusted not to hurt me any chance she gets.  She enjoyed it.  When she realized a nasty comment or one of her tantrums hit the mark, she would get this gleam in her eye and a smirk on her face.

During her 2 attempted waltz back ins and rugsweeps, I thought about what if this is the last chance I have to have contact with her before she died.  Due to the past and continued cruel and mean behavior and her disregard for my boundaries, I decided it would be counter to my healing to engage with her.

When I got the news that she died, I felt a little more sadness than I anticipated.  I felt the anticipated amount of I wish things had been different and we had a better relationship.  But over the years and the many 2nd chances I gave her, I knew I’d done my part.  Estrangement only takes one.  Forgiveness, if that is what you want to do as a survivor, only takes one.  Reconciliation takes two.  My mother was unable or unwilling to reconcile.

I knew I would probably feel relief, but it surprised me how much relief I felt.  It felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

My Mother’s Death Part I: The Notification

I’ve been estranged from my narcissistic mother for nearly 9 years.  The no contact was initially her choice.  She tried to waltz back in a couple of times like nothing ever happened.  I black holed it the first time.  The second time, I was brutally honest.

So earlier this month, I was working from home on a Friday evening and a phone number rang up from her area code on my cell phone.  I almost answered, but I didn’t want to be caught off guard by her or any of her flying monkeys.  So I let it go to voice mail.

It was my step father saying she was in bad shape.  My mother has previously exaggerated both physical and emotional problems to get people back into the fold, so I thought it best to proceed slowly.

I thought about if I should respond and if so how.  I didn’t want to be forced into direct contact with her.  There was no way I was giving her another chance to hurt me or to cast me as the bad person if I got angry if she provoked me.

I gave it a couple of hours of thought and texted the following at 8pm

Thank you for reaching out. It is sad to hear mom is not doing well. I do not want to make things more difficult for either of you during such an emotional and stressful time. I need to balance that with respect for my own boundaries.

Can you text me the diagnosis or condition?

Thanks again for reaching out.

What is your B Monster (inner protective monster) like?

What is your b monster like?

A friend’s social media post inspired me. It was along the lines of the nicer you are, the more people hurt you, so be an a-hole. As I was typing, I got inspired about what my b monster would look like and say. My initial thought was try to avoid the a-holes, but of course then the person trying to set reasonable boundaries becomes the bad guy/gal.   Here’s the reply comment I wrote and also incorporated with my own social media status.

 

Or try to avoid a-holes. Of course, then they play victim and you’re the evil b monster for daring to set boundaries.

 

Took me a long time to get there, but I’m ok with being the evil b monster. The b could stand for b**** or boundary. And it could be a Jim Henson Muppet like persona.

 

I think mine would be either purple, red or green or maybe a combo of purple and green. Sort of like Barney and The Hulk, but in a muppet form.  Maybe part Oscar the Grouch.  I could picture it when I need to stand up to someone.

 

It would be cute and fluffy most of the time, like say Elmo or Cookie monster. But instead of saying cookie, it would say “boundaries”. And if it’s anything like me when I’m angry, it would say the F word a lot.

 

So what does your b monster look like and how does it behave?